Anniversaries and Asperger’s

Today is the day.  The only day besides my birthday, that I have grown to dread.  Timehop reminds me about it. Every.Single.Year. There was a shift in my opinion of 9/23 about my 6th anniversary.  That was also the first time we weren’t just the two of us anymore and life with a newborn and an Aspie had become chaotic.  There was absolutely no communication happening during that time in our lives and I was angry.  Years went on.  Hope for romance. Hope for a special token of validation.  Hope for Something.  Nothing is what I got.  A big fat NOTHING. Ok, not nothing.  Sometimes there would be 6pm grocery store flowers with the price tag on if I hinted that women like gifts. How could our anniversary mean nothing to you? Or celebrating me being born be too much to handle? What needs to happen here for you to freaking notice me?

About 18 months ago my hand swelled.  My wedding ring was tight already and on this day it was squeezing.  It had rubbed my finger raw and sore. My finger was being suffocated.  At that moment the clarity of my choking ring and its obscene parallel to my marriage was too much.  I had a panic attack and Hubs had to cut it off with garage tools.  My wedding ring. Destroyed by garage tools. As soon as it was off I was so relieved! I felt free.  In control.  Liberated from the suffocating squeezing little handcuff.  I mean it was legit making my finger purple so it needed to come off.  The doctors at the hospital couldn’t get it off when I had my hernia surgery 6 months before. Then I felt terrible.  Who does that?  To rub in the pain and guilt of the whole freaking thing I had an imprint of the band around my finger for over a year.  Another reminder of my shortcomings and failures as a wife.

Everything changed this week.  There was a shift in my Life.  I put it together because It’s the damn Asperger’s!  I get it now.  And so does He.  We talked about my ring last night.  He suggested that we get it fixed.  Today is our 11th Anniversary and he left with my destroyed wedding ring to try to get it repaired.  A new Ring.  A new beginning!  There’s another moment of clarity about the parallel with my marriage.

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